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  • Writer's pictureRob Hunter

Top signs you are on fire.

Updated: Jun 23, 2019

With online journalism becoming increasingly focused on lurid click-bait style headlines and less about informing readers with quality content, it is easy to become mistrustful of the media and the internet in general. Luckily, some writers refuse to stoop to such levels, instead relying on meaningful material aimed at educating readers with useful, well-considered subject matter. And if you can find one that does, you should definitely read their work instead of this.

Here are the top ten signs that you are on fire.

1. People are beating you with damp sacks more than usual.

Though damp sack beatings can be an effective method of gaining someone's attention or standing out in a job interview, being beaten by someone with a damp sack without due cause should be considered odd behaviour.

If you notice an increase in damp sack beatings above what is normal, (once or twice a month at most), it is possible you are on fire.

Probability you are on fire: 7/10

2. People are screaming at you an abnormal amount.

As fans of superstars such as The Beatles and Garfunkel have consistently proven, people sometimes scream because they really enjoy things. But it can also indicate something is terribly wrong. If people are screaming an inordinate amount in your vicinity and you are not a celebrity the calibre of Garfunkel or higher, it is prudent to at least check yourself for traces of fire.

Probability you are on fire: 5/10

If you are on fire, the good news is there are professionals trained to handle the situation.

3. People appear reluctant to sit next to you on public transport.

Avoiding contact with fellow passengers on public transport presents a rare upside of being on fire but there are also drawbacks such as fire being notoriously hot. Accordingly, if planning to ride public transport while on fire to avoid interaction with fellow commuters, be sure to at least wear a hat.

Probability you are on fire: 3/10

The ultimate protection against extreme heat and having too many friends.

4. You lose your job as ‘The Amazing Fireproof Larry: The Man Who Could Not Be Set On Fire’.

Losing your job can be rough but if you claim to be fireproof you must be able to back this up with proof. After claiming he could absorb any punch to the abdomen, even the great Harry Houdini found himself unemployed after someone proved him wrong. He also found himself dead. The point is, if you claim to be fireproof and you have lost your job, sometimes there is nobody to blame but yourself.

Probability you are on fire: 3/10

5. You find that you are wearing flames where your clothes and skin should be. Also, people keep telling you that you are on fire.

Reading between the lines and trusting your gut can be invaluable tools in determining whether you are on fire. This can also be a fine approach in deciding whether an article or blog post is really worth pursuing. If you have read this far, you might as well continue, I guess. Judging by the title of the next heading, it doesn't seem like it's getting any better though, does it?

Probability you are on fire: 2/10

6. I dunno. Maybe it feels a bit warmer than normal or something?

Along with its ability to cook bread, heat is one of fire’s famous qualities. If you are warmer than normal, fire may be the cause.

Probability you are on fire: 2/10

Why do people keep hiring dogs in positions of life-or-death responsibility!?

7. Located in a fireplace and spouting red and orange flame, you are a scientific process of combustion, producing heat and light. Just to confirm, you are a fire.

Getting a second opinion is always prudent but chances are you are a fire and subsequently cannot read this article, much to the envy who have now wasted upwards of 3 minutes of their lives.

Probability you are on fire: 9.5/10

As this list has successfully proven, being on fire is rarely a laughing matter. Still, fear of fire’s horrible consequences should not deter you from enthusiastically experiencing life, just like reading this article should not deter you from literacy out of concern you may read something like it again. Stay safe out there.

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