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This month’s letter comes from Terrance Carrots of Collingwood, Alaska. Terrance writes: Dear Derwood, It has recently occurred to me that whatever company manufactured and sold Scooby Snacks had the smallest of niche markets possible - one dog. And sure he liked them. He liked them a lot! But surely one dog is not enough customers to sustain an entire business! They must have had overheads; a factory, workers, ingredients, distributors...The list goes on. Unless a box cost about 10 million dollars, how in hockey sticks are they affording to run this enterprise!? In my opinion this documentary series is a complete farce! Your thoughts? Regards, Dear Terrance, Scooby Doo had numerous flaws. Like, where did these kids live? How did they afford their extravagant travel lifestyle? And importantly, where are their parents? Shaggy: I’m gonna ask you one last time, Old Man Jenkins. Where’s the deed to the amusement park? Censors took exception to the show’s adult nature but an opportunity was seen and the show re-worked into a delightful children’s cartoon. To appease family groups, the show’s excessive violence and adult themes were replaced by a loveable dog, clothes were put on Daphne, Fred’s use of cursing was reduced by 80% and Shaggy’s insatiable appetite for blood was appropriately replaced by an insatiable appetite for food. His catchphrase was also changed from “Up yours, Satan!” to the more popular “Zoinks!” Your pal, December 2009 Dear Derwood, I am not the most talented person you will ever meet. In fact, I am pretty horrible at anything physical. I am also not particularly bright, one teacher going so far as to describe me as “Six kinds of stupidhead”. When it comes to looks I would say I am less than average, although many people would consider this an arrogant exaggeration. I also hold a mortal fear of the outdoors as well as anything foreign or new. So anyway, these are my finest qualities. Will you come to my school dance? Dear Sherie, Wow, you sound like quite a catch. Unfortunately I am busy on whatever day your dance is on. Thank you for writing. Your pal, May 2009 Dear Derwood, I have a fish tank with a number of fish in it. That number being 0. Where the freak are my fish!? Perhaps somewhere? I sure hope so. Sincerely, Dear Allen, Ah, yes. The fish tank. Known for being both a relaxing and captivating house for fish, as well as possibly the most ill-conceived piece of artillery in history, ultimately costing Germany two world wars. (Apparently the fish struggled to work all the buttons and only ever shot at cats, whose number formed only a small part of the allied forces.) Your pal, October 2008 Dear Derwood, I seem to bleed a lot from my ears. Is this normal? It sure hurts a lot and my parrot is frightened. What should I do? Regards, Dear Randolph, Yes, parrots are easily startled. Bleeding from the ear is generally not great, possibly even ungood, but whether it is ‘normal’ depends very much on your occupation or hobbies. For instance, if you are a carpenter or noodle salesman, then yes – to consistently bleed from the ear is indeed strange. Then again, if you happen to be a professional knife-listener or frequently attend jazz concerts, then bleeding from the ear is entirely normal. Your pal, August, 2008 Dear Derwood, Old MacDonald seems like a clear case of senility to me. I mean, if he had to come up with such stupid jingles to remember the names of his animals was he really fit to be in charge of an entire farm? I don’t think I want my kids singing about this vegetable-brained nutball. Dennis Cows. Dear Dennis, Sadly MacDonald’s is a devastating and hilarious story. Back in the 1820s during a routine inspection of his vast farming property, the man then known as Middle-Aged MacDonald was kicked in the head by his cat Arthur. The incident was laughed off by all who witnessed it and MacDonald himself brushed it aside as the trifling event it was. He was then hit in the face by a bull driving a truck. Your pal, May 10, 2008 Dear Derwood, I do not mean to cause alarm but there is a bear dressed as a post box standing right outside my house. Yours faithfully, Dear Walter, Normally upon reading a letter such as yours I would suggest solving your troubles by using a cliff and a long run up. But bears are indeed a shrewd and cunning reptile and in the outside chance there is a bear outside your house, I for one am willing to put your life at risk in order to save Al Pacino. Your pal, January 12, 2008 Dear Derwood, If you have X-ray vision and you look into a mirror, do you see your own insides or the insides of the mirror? This is freaking me out. Melvin Llamaboy. Dear Melvin, X-Ray vision - the theoretical fifth sense. Largely misunderstood for many years, perhaps 12, most people believe X-Ray vision to be solely within the realm of superheroes and mules, while few are aware that X-Ray vision is also a naturally occurring talent among humans. Your pal, December 20, 2007 Dear Derwood, Three months ago in an effort to get to know my new neighbours, I decided to throw a party at my house. I initially found it difficult to decide on a theme but in the end chose ‘Egyptian’ due to my love of all things North African, particularly slavery. Anyway, I don’t know what happened exactly but apparently the theme caused a not insignificant amount of offence, with the only guests who turned up being dressed like a gang. Then, in an act I can only assume was in keeping with their character, they beat me up and provided no house-warming gift. Is this the way good tidings are dealt with in this city? Max Woolchipp. (Formerly of Harlem, New York. Now residing at St. John's Rehabilitation Clinic) Dear Max, Mmm, a good question and one which I intend to answer with words. While it is true that slavery has resulted in some of the finest architectural achievements in all of man-kind, for some reason nowadays people tend to frown upon such abuses of human rights. What is wrong with people!? Are they afraid of getting things done? Yes, maybe. Whatever the reason, one thing is clear – most people, at least outwardly, are not fans of involuntary human enslavement in any form. A rather narrow-minded view of things, I agree but until these backward attitudes change, I suggest you be more careful in selecting themes for social gatherings. If struggling to find a theme that is fun and a bit unusual, try a ‘dress-as-your-favourite-disease’ night. Though this is also potentially offensive, sick people are far less likely to have the energy to beat you up. Good luck with rehab. Your pal, November 12, 2007 Dear Derwood, Six months ago I suffered a rather dreadful boating accident. I lost 2% of my vision, one of my ears was slightly bruised and I now have a slight balance issue. I also lost three of my limbs. Kind Regards, Dear Harold,
Your pal, October 15, 2007 Dear Derwood, I recently performed the Heimlich maneuver on a man I had mistakenly believed was choking. As it turns out he was a Bob Dylan impersonator and was not choking but singing. Anyway, I guess I executed the procedure quite well because the guy coughed up his spleen. I think I may now be in some trouble. Sincerely, P.S. Don’t you think maneuver is an unnecessarily difficult word to spell? Another Dylan-related spleen cough up…I sympathize with your plight. One could be forgiven for mistaking many serious medical conditions for the wilting tones of Dylan. Still, it must be remembered that Bob Dylan has never been solely about the music. He provided a voice for a generation lost within itself. A poetic beacon for the downtrodden. His name is also pretty good rhyming slang for ‘Bond villain’. Your pal, P.S. Yes. But only if you spell it correctly. July 12, 2007 Dear Derwood, My pet dog has recently become very lethargic. He shows little interest in fetching a ball, his nose is conspicuously dry and light-shaped, his legs have become bony, round and have halved in number, and he rarely moves unless I sit atop and pedal him. Also his ears have suddenly transformed into handlebars. I think there is something wrong. -Marcus Fisch Dear Marcus, Yes, a letter of some concern but I believe I understand what has happened here. As we all have done at some stage in the past, I suspect you have confused your dog with your bicycle. Though it may sound unusual, this is a common mistake equally affecting both ordinary people and stupids and has led to several disqualifications in both greyhound and BMX competitions. Best wishes, May 18, 2007 Dear Derwood, As an avid Churchgoer and somebody who appreciates holy artworks, I noticed something the other day. A disturbing trend in religious depictions that I feel must be expertly addressed. And so to you Derwood, I ask this: how come Jesus never smiles in any of his pictures? Why is the Son of God forever brooding and sour? Do you think maybe if He just improved his attitude none of the unpleasantness would have occurred? Lenny Earchips. Dear Lenny, Yes, He certainly does look upset in the pictures. Firstly, I should like to acknowledge that this is a potentially sensitive issue and one which I intend to treat with the utmost respect. Your pal, Special guest riposte by Mr. J Of Nazareth. Mr. Of Nazareth writes: Dear Derwood, I write in regard to the letter of one Lenny Earchips dated 18 May, 2007. Yea, be it true that in many of my pictures I have a gloomy, some would say surly, visage. But as the Lord commonly sayeth unto thee - cut me some freaking slack! I had a lot on my mind at the time. Sure, I didn’t know exactly what was going to go down but I could always smell that something wasn’t quite right. Yours ‘til the clouds weep with my tears, P.S. I have meant to return but you know how it is…These socks won’t ball themselves. Peace out. -If you wish to read further on this subject, consult your local librarian. There are a lot of books about this stuff. One good one in particular. -Derwood. February 26, 2007 Dear Derwood, Is it true that if I stare at it hard enough, the sun will give me magic powers? So far all I have acquired is blindness. It’s pretty good but I wouldn’t call it magic. -Henry Tastic. Dear Henry, This rumour has been around for some time. No, the sun will not give you magic powers, no matter how long you stare at it. You are thinking of the Holy Grail and not staring at it but drinking from it. I can see how this mistake may have been made, unlike you who can now see nothing. Good luck with being blind. I hope it works out. Your pal, January 4, 2007 Dear Derwood, I started taking piano lessons about 17 years ago and have been practicing almost constantly since. Given that I was musically illiterate beforehand and had never actually seen a piano, things were tough but after years of hard work and daily tutorials I became quite proficient with the instrument. Everything was going really well until last week when a friend of mine decided to visit unannounced. He walked in to my music room during a lesson and was shocked at what he saw. Apparently my music teacher has been nothing but a con artist and what I thought were piano lessons were actually daily beatings. As it turns out I have not learnt a thing! What should I do? -Peter Klownfish. Dear Peter, Yes, an all too common problem. Still, try to see the positives. Very few people are able to say that they have been beaten up by a piano teacher every day for the last 17 years. This makes you a rarity and will provide a good conversation-starter at parties. If people are unimpressed by this, try showing off your skills. You say you have learnt nothing but I would be surprised if you have not now learnt how to withstand a fairly decent pummeling without crying. This is a good trick in itself. Your pal, November 30, 2006 Dear Derwood, I recently tried to flush myself down the toilet just to see what would happen. Now it doesn’t work properly and I smell a little bit like poo. The firemen say it was funny the first time but they will no longer come to my rescue should I get stuck again. What should I do? Can you suggest any other household fixtures I could flush myself down? -Steve Pancreas Dear Steve, Flushing oneself down anything is always risky, particularly the toilet. I know of at least 6 people who have been lost, presumed stinky, after having tried the same thing. Perhaps a less intimidating fixture or appliance might provide the answer. It’s not quite the same but I would suggest the toaster as a good starting point. Try burning yourself on one. The pain will remind you that you are a fool and should not be allowed near a toilet on your own. Best wishes. Your pal, October 20, 2006 Dear Derwood, I think I fear success. Whenever I get close to achieving a long-term goal I go ahead and ruin my chances. Kapow, chances! Take this! (That was me destroying my chances). Anyway, could it be that I surround myself with negative influences? Maybe I should stop eating dairy? Please help me. -Sally Düdelpond. Dear Sally, Whenever faced with a problem such as yours, and by that I mean fake problems such as stress or ADD, I find that toughening up and ceasing my loser-like tendencies works wonders. However, if you are one of these self-important types, and I’m assuming you are, perhaps compare your problems with those of an orphan or jazz musician and you will find that yours is barely a problem at all. At the very least, thinking in this manner will give you a much needed smile as you recall the hilarious gruel scene from Oliver Twist. Oh, how those crazy orphans make me laugh. I hope this helps. Your pal, September 12, 2006 Dear Derwood, No matter how hard I try I just cannot get the hang of my new-fangled toaster. The contraption has a button and a dial! Whatever happened to ‘simple is best’!? I have tried to master the machine over a two week period but have only managed to burn my hands and three of my toes. I even burnt my hat after setting it on fire in a futile attempt to cook the toast on my head. I tried calling the manufacturer’s support line but this proved incredibly unhelpful as I was unable to understand the jargon used by the technician. He kept talking about ‘bread’ and ‘electricity’. I couldn’t follow what in blazes he was talking about! Anyway, my question is this; where are my shoes? Please help. Sincerely, Dear Yoodle, Yours was some letter and suggestive of a myriad of problems. When it comes to toast, however, you have contacted the right person. Me, Derwood. Toast is a food that can take minutes to prepare but years to perfect. In fact, in some places toast is regarded as one of the most extravagant and difficult foods to cook. These places are known for their complete unavailability of bread and lack of fire-making capabilities, as well as an all-round dumbness of person. I understand your problem, however. Today’s toaster conglomerates are more concerned with fancy-looking appliances and elaborate names like Toast Thing 2000™. They have forgotten that it used to be about the toast. For shame. In the circumstances my only advice would be to try cooking your toast in a less-incorrect fashion. You will find your toast is more delicious and less hats will be burnt. Good luck. Your pal, (PS. Your shoes are most likely on your feet. Either that or somewhere else.) August 20, 2006 Dear Derwood, I have recently encountered a few problems with my vegetable garden. Not long ago I bought a bag of tomatoes and had intended to farm them. They seemed to thrive in my refrigerator but as soon as I had eaten them, they were gone! Now no matter how hard I try they just won’t grow back. I even tried some super-strength chemical fertilizer but it just made my fridge smell. After that I thought maybe I was using the fertilizer incorrectly, so I ate some of it myself. Now I feel awful sick. What should I do? -Poiny Canteloupe. Dear Poiny, I should first like to make it clear that regardless of your gardening troubles, eating fertilizer is never the answer and I would suggest calling a doctor immediately. The doctor will know of a good place for you to go and die. For the more living among us, my advice for growing vegetables would be to plant seeds in dirt rather than expecting vegetables to grow back in a fridge following their consumption. After being eaten, food rarely grows back in such an environment. Sometimes it will but only if you eat mould. Maybe try eating mould. Your pal, July 25, 2006 Dear Derwood, My favourite food is turnip. I can’t get enough of it. All I do day and night is eat turnip. It’s delicious. The only problem is I’m allergic to turnip. Whenever I eat turnip I feel sick. Super sick. My doctor says if I eat more turnip I may very well die. I told him I would rather die than live in a world where I can’t eat turnip. I also told him ‘turnips rule!’ just in case he didn’t know already. He probably did. Anyway, what should I do? Leonard Gravy. Dear Leonard, I find that whenever I feel upset or confused about anything I eat turnip and the problem seems to melt away. In fact I’m eating some turnip right now. Unfortunately this remedy is not available to you lest you die. Instead perhaps you could try some other food. They’re not quite as good as turnip and I don’t really know what they are but I hear rutabagas are good this time of year. Ultimately you must ask yourself whether your liking of turnip is more important than life. I know what my answer would be. Gosh that’s good turnip. Good luck. Your pal, July 8, 2006 Dear Derwood, I find ice to be very cold. So cold, in fact, that it hurts my ears. Am I using it correctly? What should I do? Is it time to eat paint? -Michael Rheumatoid Dear Michael, I found your letter to be somewhat lacking in detail and very difficult to answer. First of all, let me say that eating paint is generally a last resort for any problem other than an insatiable appetite for paint. Secondly, you should know that ice is meant to be pretty cold. Therefore it may well be that you are using it in exactly the right fashion. It is difficult to tell from here as I can’t see you very clearly. There are several walls and cities blocking my view of you. Anyway, step one would be to not put the ice directly in your ears. This is an important step but one many people seem to forget. Also be sure when eating ice or drinking liquid with ice in it, do not drink it with the side of your face. Again, this seems obvious but is often overlooked. Failing this, I don’t know…what kind of paint? Your pal, June 17, 2006 Dear Derwood, I have been a clinical physician for 28 years but recently during a patient consultation I fell off a mechanical bull, hitting my head in the process. Since the accident I have noticed severe damage to my attention span. I’ll be right in the middle of writing something and then suddenly six bananas instead of that stinking mandarin please. My inability to concentrate is causing damage to my hello, hello medical practice not to mention my reputation as a public speaker. Whoa, horse! Distractions now seem more apparent than ever. Even the most mundane of tasks has become difficult and sometimes between slices of bread if it’s my birthday. What can I do? Dwayne monkey pants. Monkey. Dear Dwayne, That’s some problem you’ve got there, by golly. As everybody without too much of it knows, head trauma can be a painful and traumatic experience with potentially devastating and long-lasting consequences. On the other hand, I once read about a guy who was stupid like a potato but after falling off his bike became super intelligent. On the basis of this unconfirmed study, I would suggest further deliberate infliction of trauma similar to that which caused the initial damage. You are bound to dislodge something or put something back in place eventually, quite possibly gaining some kind of super power as a result. Your pal, June 3, 2006 Kostya of Sydney, NSW. Kostya writes: Dear Derwood, I plenty good write the English but me teacher at school says, “Whatsa matter, dumb boy? You gotsa stupid in the head instead of hello correct answer.” She talka me like this, what hell!? I’m don’t want have to hurt her so maybe I thought write-a you for advice, Derwood. You are giving me the chops now for respond this horrible lady? Please help me out the pickles. Thanks. From Kostya. Dear Kostya, I had quite a lot of trouble deciphering your letter. I am particularly confused by your use of the word ‘chops’. After some deliberation, however, I have deduced that your problem stems from the fact that your teacher does not respect your intelligence. She is obviously crazy like a banana but before doing anything stupid perhaps ask your teacher to explain exactly where it is you are going wrong. Failing that, I have come up with some advice I think you will understand: Your pal, May 1, 2006 Heinz Klavier of Greenwith, WA writes: Dear Derwood,
Dear Heinz, April 7, 2006 Mr. Fred Edelwood of Goosewater, SA. Fred writes: Dear Derwood, -Fred Edelwood. Dear Fred, March 22, 2006 Ms. Daisy Jims of Millween, Australia. Daisy writes, Dear Derwood, Dear Daisy,
Have a question for Derwood? Send an email to rob with the subject line 'Ask Derwood'. Then continue on with your day. |
* McGlurk won best pie at the 1984 Aberdeen Royal Show |
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