Walter Crayons – Bear disguised as post box

This month’s letter comes from Walter Crayons of Landtown, Western Australia. Walter writes:

Dear Derwood,

I do not mean to cause alarm but there has been a bear dressed as a post box standing outside my house for quite some time. His disguise is ingeniously cunning in that he has painted himself red, has affixed himself with local post logos and has somehow even surgically attached a hinge mechanism that allows him to open his own jaw well past 90 degrees. Disturbingly this natural camouflage is so convincing that people put letters in him on a daily basis, obviously unaware of the imminent peril.

Wait… Wait… I think he just moved… Whoa! He’s running right at me! No, wait. He isn’t. He’s just standing there. Whew! That was close.

Anyway, he has been there for the last 23 years. (Hibernating, I suspect.) And I am now at my wit’s end. I not only fear for my own life but also the lives of other people including Al Pacino should he happen to walk by and try to post something. Could we live with ourselves if Al was eaten by this bear? What should I do?

-Walter Crayons.

 

Dear Walter, 

Yes, bears are indeed a shrewd and cunning reptile. Here’s what to do:

Approach the bear, slowly at first but with confidence. Do not anger the bear. Do not make eye contact and only speak when spoken to.

He obviously likes to eat letters but do not let this fool you; bears are carnivorous and have an insatiable appetite. That being the case, do not strap meat to your body while in the bear’s vicinity and certainly never poke him in the ears with a salmon. Not even just a little bit.

Also remember that bears are very proud creatures, so in the unlikely event the bear offers to play cards or backgammon with you, humbly accept but do not gloat should you win.

There is a small chance he will eat your face but given your description and the fact you somehow posted this letter to me unharmed, I suggest you will be fine.

Your pal,

Derwood.


  • May I suggest you purchase a NavMan or similar navigational device. They are very good at locating bears, particularly those that I fail to be able to see. In fact, at most intersections there appears to be bears hiding out.
    At the next intersection bear left. In 500 metres, bear right.
    Better safe than sorry I always say (which gets particularly annoying when the question has nothing to do with either and or safety or forgiveness).
    Thanks for bearing with me. Stay safe.

    • Derwood McGlurk

      Good advice, Ronnie! You can never be too careful when it comes to bears. (And also knives. Watch out for them, too.)