Stephanie Biscuits – Urgent T-shirt query

This month’s letter comes from Stephanie Biscuits of New Texas, California. Stephanie writes:

Dear Derwood,

After watching the premiere of Ghostbusters at the local Cinematorium, I went to buy a milkshake with my friend at the corner milkbar. Unfortunately while crossing the street my friend became distracted by an ad for BETA videotapes, tripped on a Rubik’s cube and was struck by an Atari van driven by Tony Danza (age 33). I would sure appreciate some advice as my friend appears distressed and the blood is staining his Alf T-Shirt. What should I do?

Stephanie Biscuits.


Dear Stephanie,

As well as a gross inability to determine who the boss actually was, Tony Danza has always been known for his erratic driving. So now to your question: If Tony Danza runs over your friend in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Derwood! Haha, just a little Ghostbusters joke there. But seriously, it sounds like your friend is dying. First, check to see if he is still breathing. If he is, get back to me and I will provide further instruction.

Your pal,


P.S. Sorry for the lateness of my reply.