Marcus Foo – Dog problem

This month’s letter comes from Marcus Foo of Ferntree, North Brekfuss.

Dear Derwood,

My pet dog has recently become very lethargic. He shows little interest in fetching a ball, his nose is conspicuously dry and light-shaped, his legs have become bony, round and have halved in number, and he rarely moves unless I sit atop and pedal him. Also his ears have suddenly transformed into handlebars. I think there is something wrong.

-Marcus Foo


Dear Marcus,

Yes, a letter of some concern but I believe I understand what has happened here. As we all have done at some stage in the past, I suspect you have confused your dog with your bicycle. Though it may sound unusual, this is a common mistake affecting both ordinary people and stupidheads and has led to several disqualifications in greyhound racing and BMX competitions.

To check if this is indeed what has happened ask yourself the following questions: Is your bicycle much more self-mobile and barky than it used to be? Is your bicycle eating significantly more dog food than it used to? Have you been eating lead in the last few weeks? If the answer is yes to any or all of these questions, there is a chance your problem has been found. Switch the two back and stop eating lead or at least cut back slightly.

Best wishes,